Fifty Shades of Grey Hair

By Anika Utke

Cinematic history has been made. Fifty Shades of Grey has to be the most thought provoking and complex movie to grace the screens in generations. Never before has a movie held so much depth and worked as an expose for the problems facing society. Fifty Shades shattered weekend box office records, but originated from much humbler beginnings, as a Twilight fan fiction from the illustrious mind of E. L. James.

The film centers in on Anastasia Steele, a college graduate who encounters Christian Grey, a fabulous hairstylist with the goal of creating a totalitarian world where everyone has gray hair. More specifically, fifty shades of gray hair. When he isn’t surreptitiously dying his clients’ hair or starring in the music video for “Blurred Lines”, he rolls in boatloads of cash. Steele feels an immediate urge to follow him into the world of monotone manes. College tuition has reached an astronomical rate and Grey presents to her an opportunity to escape debt from her student loans. Especially as she chooses to pursue a degree in English Literature, a degree everyone knows is worthless.

Dakota Johnson is superb at portraying Steele’s plot to murder Grey and use his immense fortune for her own financial gain. Some that aren’t paying close enough attention to Johnson’s mannerisms might mistake her character for “timid” and “submissive” without recognizing her ulterior motives, but it is quite clear that underneath her faux insecurity lies a gun wielding badass with training in Ju Jitsu, Judo, Krav Maga, Patty cake, Kickboxing, and the ability to twerk. Grey, portrayed by Jamie Dornan, remains oblivious to her master scheme while he retreats to his playroom to sniff tender locks of creamy gray hair in amorous passion.

“Oh we all loved it!” one moviegoer gushed, “I mean, the aliens might have been a bit much, but I admit I totally gasped when Christian revealed he was half cyborg.” While certain moviegoers have appeared to enjoy the film, critics have opposed the themes, as well as the cast selection. Dornan has been criticized for not being “smexy” enough to play the role of Grey. While normally impartial, I do agree the role of Grey was miscast. I believe a little piece of humankind was cheated when Nicolas Cage was not cast for the lead role. Fortunately, the sequel, Fifty Shades of Auburn, will be recast with Cage playing both Grey and Steele.

Truly, Fifty Shades of Grey is a masterpiece. The exquisite details and visuals also show a darker and more soulful message than the horrors of hairstyling. After rocking back and forth and replaying the movie in a dark room, I was able to grasp what the film was really saying. It is even made clear on the movie’s promotional poster. It is obvious that the purposeful gap in his tie’s arrangement can only mean one thing. After months of hype, it has become all too clear that Fifty Shades of Grey is merely a ploy for the illuminati.