You could say us international kids are built for social-distancing. When you grow up in a city like Bangkok- a city that pulls you in and spits you out with more friends than you started with but less by your side- you get used to change. People are always moving wherever you are, but no one knows leaving like Third Culture Kids–those of us who’ve grown up in that gray area between our parent’s culture, our nationality, and the country we live in.
I met Mia and Sofia in the fifth grade. Five years later, I am in Seattle, Mia is in Chiang Mai, and Sofia remains, an anchor, in Bangkok. We never talked about leaving the city. No one needed to. More than half of my class that had started with me is now gone–in Mumbai, Hong Kong, New Zealand, the Netherlands. Graduating from the same city you lived in before high school was an anomaly.
This week the three of us celebrated Sofia’s 16th birthday, which also marked the third year we weren’t able to celebrate in person. The only difference was that this time the rest of the world was also in the same badly-pixelated boat.
“Sometimes I think it’s strange how nothing’s changed,” Mia said while throwing her hair up, the whirr of her morning coffee brewing threatening to drown her out. Sofia hummed absently from her video panel on my screen, making her own breakfast. Mia continued, “I haven’t seen you in years and somehow you’re still my best friends.”
Like in every conversation today, the coronavirus eventually came up. Except this time we talked about the fact that, amid a global pandemic, we were experiencing something new: for once, everyone else was grappling with moving online, and we were the ones sitting comfortably in limbo.
We go to each other for everything and anything. Gilmore Girls, advice on whether or not to ride your boyfriend’s motorcycle (spoiler alert: it did not turn out well), and trying to find good worship songs as an atheist are all fair game. Yesterday the agenda was this article.
With students across the country under stay-at-home orders, friendships have been forced to evolve into relationships that are solely maintained online. As seasoned players at social-distancing, we decided to share our two cents on friendship during the outbreak.
- How to deal with ‘guilt’ from not talking to friends regularly
This may sound counterintuitive, but part of being friends with someone long distance is getting comfortable with not speaking to each other. I don’t want to say that it’s a ‘test of your friendship,’ but your friends should understand that this is an unprecedented time, and we all deal with things differently. While some of us actively seek out human interaction to help sort through our scattered thoughts, others prefer to go it alone. That’s not to say that you should cut off your friend completely- check in on them. But give them space to breathe.
Another thing–and this is coming from someone who has gone months without talking to my long-distance friends, and then gone back to calling them every second night–give yourself grace. You have a life. You have your own things to deal with. Especially as we roll into the last few weeks of the school year, know that it’s okay calling friends may not be your top priority.
- Pick up right where you left off
The best advice I could give to anyone wanting to keep in touch with friends is make it authentic, meaning call, don’t text. At some point, the level of human connection dulls when you try to substitute hearing their voice and seeing their face to 26 letters on a keyboard and a couple of emojis.
But when you do end up calling each other, don’t feel pressured to force a conversation. It may be weird at first, especially if your friendship wasn’t largely online to start with, but don’t stress out about filling every silence.
By the same token, don’t feel as if you need to have had something big happen in order to call your friends–you don’t even need a topic of conversation at all. Your friends will want to hear about the mundane. (But if you’re really looking to shake things up, it might be time to break out the switch and play Animal Crossing, or move to Cards Against Humanity online. Although just talking is pretty cool too).
- School friends aren’t fake friends
What about those people you only talk to when you’re in class with them? You may not feel comfortable calling them, and you’ve never really hung out outside of school. My advice? Don’t run yourself in circles trying to figure out if you’ll still be friends after lockdown is lifted. The best thing about having ‘school friends’ is the absence of commitment. Sometimes it’s nice to have someone where the friendship doesn’t go beyond complaining about HuGe Notes, and you both don’t feel the pressure of maintaining a ‘real’ friendship. Leave it be.
- Be okay with change
If you haven’t talked to a friend in a while, and then the next time you talk to them it hits you that they’ve ‘changed,’ don’t be surprised. In fact, expect change. Whether or not your friendship is long-distance, growth will always be happening. The best you can try to do is try to grow together.
From us to you: long-distance friendships can be done. Don’t stress too much, trust each other, and you’ll come out the other side.
