By Luisa Moreno
A whole range of candidates are running for President of the United States of America in 2016. Our incoming seniors will be able to vote for these distinguished humans, so here’s a handy-dandy cheat sheet to keep track. Welcome to our country’s future.
Rick Perry
Party: Republican
Claim to Fame: Former governor of Texas. Ran unsuccessfully in 2012, but now he’s spending time in Iowa to make sure the potatoes vote. Announced on June 4.
Superlative: Most Likely to Commission a Rap-Country Song About Himself
Ted Cruz
Party: Republican
Claim to Fame: US Senator. May terrify small children by announcing that the Obamacalypse is now, and then return to his native country of Canada. Announced March 23.
Superlative: Least Likely to Have a US Birth Certificate
Rand Paul
Party: Republican
Claim to Fame: US Senator. Named for Ayn Rand, which should say enough. Announced April 7.
Superlative: Most Likely to Interrupt a Female Interviewer
Marco Rubio
Party: Republican
Claim to Fame: The second Cuban running for office, so watch out Cruz, and he’s firmly on the West Coast side of rap. #TupacLives. Announced April 13.
Superlative: Best Name to Say out Loud
Ben Carson
Party: Republican
Claim to Fame: Retired neurosurgeon. No political experience but he likes to relate the current state of America to Nazi Germany. Announced May 4.
Superlative: Most Likely to Compare Obama to Hitler
Mick Huckabee
Party: Republican
Claim to Fame: Arkansas governor. He’ll appeal to Evangelicals and anyone who wasn’t in Hillary’s announcement video. He criticized Beyonce for not being moral enough and honestly what else is there to say? Announced May 5.
Superlative: Most Likely to Alienate Millennials
Rick Santorum
Party: Republican
Claim to Fame: Former US Senator. Social conservatives really like him, which is probably why he announced his candidacy in a tweet because he’s ~*sOciAl*~. Announced May 27. Superlative: Most Likely to Believe Climate Change is a Myth
George Pataki
Party: Republican
Claim to Fame: Former New York governor. Does anyone know who he is? Announced May 28.
Superlative: Least Likely to Cash in on Name Recognition
Carly Fiorina
Party: Republican
Claim to Fame: Former business executive. Does anyone know who she is? Announced May 4.
Superlative: Most Likely to be Compared to Hillary
Lindsey Graham
Party: Republican
Claim to Fame: US Senator. BFFs with John McCain and he’s never sent an email. Announced June 1.
Superlative: Most Likely to Say “The Internets”
Jeb Bush
Party: Republican
Claim to Fame: Former Florida Governor. Brother and dad already floundered a pathway for him. Announced on June 16
Superlative: Most Likely to Cash in on Name Recognition
Chris Christie
Party: Republican
Claim to Fame: New Jersey governor. Still unsure whether he’s running or not, but when he does, he probably announce it on a bridge.
Superlative: Most Likely to Take a Helicopter to Pick Up a Pizza
Scott Walker
Party: Republican
Claim to Fame: Wisconsin governor. Allergic to dogs which means he can’t strap one to the roof of his car like previous candidates. Has announced that he is announcing in June.
Superlative: Most Likely to Amend the Constitution to Ban Same Sex Marriage
Hillary Clinton
Party: Democrat.
Claim to Fame: Former Secretary of State. Out of fairness, the other Democratic candidates will be named but really…Announced April 12.
Superlative: Least Likely to Tolerate Your Sh*t
Lincoln Chaffey
Party: Democrat
Claim to Fame: Former Rhode Island governor. Switched from Republican to independent to Democrat and now says that Hillary should be disqualified for voting for the Iraq War. Fighting an uphill battle there. Announced June 3.
Superlative: Most Likely to Make a Pun Out of His Name
Bernie Sanders
Party: Democrat.
Claim to Fame: US Senator. He’s a socialist. That’s close to communism, right? Announced April 30.
Superlative: Least Likely to Own a Comb
Martin O’Malley
Party: Democrat
Claim to Fame: Former Maryland governor and former mayor of Baltimore. More importantly, he’s in a Celtic rock band. Announced May 30.
Superlative: Most Likely to Be a Leprechaun
Donald Trump
Party: Money
Claim to Fame: Trump Tower, Trump TV, Trump Presidency, Trump Pump, Trump Lump, Trump Dump…also, he’s rich. Announced June 16.
Superlative: Most Likely to Feed on the Poor for Sustenance
Featured Picture: The frenzy of the upcoming race will be difficult to track so let us help you make your vital pick. Picture by Clara Raftery.
