Our world is at war. Conflicts appear on every corner, with no one to respond. Children are unsafe in their natural environments- schools- and workplaces drip with tension. Could we be nuked? Could we be invaded at the whim of a madman? All is lost. Our heroes are dead. Or so we thought.
The Muppets, creatures designed by Supreme GodMan Jim Henson, have been around for decades educating our children on Sesame Street, and telling tales of color-based friendship. The characters- I mean people- pushed by Henson are one of the few groups that all Americans can respect. Step aside Muhammad Ali, we’ve got faith in Big Bird. The curtains are setting on the Pope, but they remain wide open for Fozzy. And this, my fellow Americans, is why we can succeed, albeit through unconventional means. Russia will be a threat no longer when we achieve reform. The virus of school shootings will erode with coming change. America, can, should, must, and will license the Muppets to kill.
This may be a difficult concept to grasp for some. Inevitably, questions arise when the idea of Muppet freedom is discussed. Questions like, “Will my children be safe?” or “Who allowed this idea to get this far?” To answer those questions, we must experiment first. From my investigation, it appears the U.S. Department of Defense is working on combat-ready accessories for Muppets (specifically humanoid ones like Kermit the Frog or Grover) to be implemented in war-torn areas like Afghanistan, Iraq, and California. In terms of protecting the homeland, DoD is also preparing civilian models of those referenced earlier, likely to be used in case of bloody riot (think the Women’s March or the March for our Lives). Implementing the Muppet Offensive Operation Program(MOOP) would cost taxpayers less than state-run programs, and would be funded through an eradication of Medicaid and the Affordable Care Act. The health of our citizens will no longer be in jeopardy when we have fabricae in praesidium, or ‘protection through felt’.
We spoke with a member of the Muppet community during this investigation with the promise of anonymity: “Oh, you know, well, I think the whole thing is kinda silly. Oh jeez, man. What do you think about it, [PORK LADY]?” The lady responded, “I think it’s a whole bunch of hullabaloo for nothing! Dammit, [TOAD MAN]! Why do you push me into these things all the time?” “I’m sorry, [PORK LADY], I just thought it would be of importance.” In speaking to another member of the Muppet community, who made it very clear he wanted to be known as stuntman Gonzo the Great, the Muppet cites an arcane treaty ratified by the United States and Transylvania which prohibits the weapon arming of that which is not human. “It’s trash! I hate it! Why would these countries seek to see us as less than those who run the place? It’s a true civil rights struggle.” The treaty, “The Agreement to Disarm and Deproliferate Non-Human Entities” (informally known as the Adney) was signed in 1968 by Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon as an attempt to ward off rumors that the Muppets would be engaging in the Vietnam War, siding rather to impose a draft on youngsters. We traveled to Transylvania to speak to a man known as The Count, to get a perspective from the other side of the pond.
TRN: Hello, and thank you, Mr. Count.
TC: Please, call me The.
TRN: Okay. The, what do you make of this sudden move to rearm Muppets now?
TC: Well, I don’t exactly know. Ha-ha. Your leader, the Clementine Terror, certainly has the capability to send troops in. Why should we be treated with any less potential power than the weakest of your troops?
TRN: I suppose you make a good point.
TC: I can make more than a good point, I can make TWO good points! Ha-ha-ha.
It’s clear that Muppets remain divided on the topic, but the argument remains strong: Muppets provide an invaluable resource to American military might, and should be expressed in any way necessary to protect ourselves from Gaddafi. Although, a pro-armament argument came from an unlikely source. “I think the [expletive] roof has caved in on the brains of most [expletive] American bastards! We need to arm our people!” Elmo, the red bushy fellow who lives on 123 Sesame St., asked to be included on this piece of his own accord. “Fellow Muppet radicals, hear my call. On Thursday, we march. We march with our constitutionally-guaranteed bazookas and laser-aligned automatic rifles. The time for conversation is over. The humans have taken too much from us, and they threaten to take much more than we can comprehend. We arrive on Washington with rifles, and blow it all up.”
Muppets and humans are caught at a crossroad right now. Although ‘strong on guns’, our government sees the armament of Muppets as an existential threat. “What should we do about it?” Elmo remarked to himself, before answering, “I think we should shove a log upside Jim Mattis’ [expletive].”
CORRECTION: Gaddafi has apparently been dead for some time now. We’ll continue to use him as a justification for increased military presence, as faithful followers of the U.S. Government.
Graphic By: Elena Celovsky
