Note: This article is a satire
Every day when the clock hits 11:45, students swarm the Whole Foods at Roosevelt Square. Chaos quickly ensues. The Roosevelt News reached out for an interview with one of the Whole Foods employees, however, we received no response.
Since the beginning of the school year, a sizable number of students from Roosevelt have consistently been going to Whole Foods for lunch. This group (mainly freshmen) does what teens do: steal from stores. But really, the tradition probably predates most of us. Where the expensive chocolate mochi lies, the high schoolers follow.
Another notable store that students have typically stolen from on a daily basis is Bartell Drugs, also located in Roosevelt Square. Recently, Bartells attempted to ban Roosevelt all students from the store.
Student putting sushi into their backpack
In another incident, a man was tackled by a Roosevelt student and pushed into a row of wine bottles during lunch when students were stealing cans of beer. The subsequent student ban lasted multiple days but was the store.
This pattern of stealing is nothing new. Before COVID-19 forced Seattle Public Schools to transition to a period of online learning, Roosevelt attempted to stop students from leaving campus for lunch, concerned with the student body’s consistent kleptomaniac tendencies.
One source says this is due to the Whole Foods staff complaining about kids stealing.
They say, “When I was a freshman the school tried to stop us from going off campus because kids would steal from Whole Foods so much.”
Stealing from Whole Foods is not restricted to a couple of individuals. A student, who chose to remain anonymous, said that “stealing from Whole Foods isn’t really a big deal. I remember at the hot bar, there was a veggie samosa just sitting there so I yoinked that thing.”
When I asked if they felt guilty for eating the samosa the student said, “Nah lol, it’s just a samosa. Whole Foods is owned by Amazon, they’re not going to go out of business.”
This response intrigued me so much that I decided to do some undercover investigation to test Whole Foods’ limits myself.
During one of Roosevelt’s lunch breaks, I decided to take a nibble from the bacon bits at the Whole Foods hot bar. To my surprise, a grandma was right behind me, which resulted in a lecture. Despite this, I did not feel guilty for having the bacon.
While there are smaller instances like this, some students take items worth up to ten dollars a day. A different anonymous source says, “Yeah, I know this kid that takes like 12 dollars a day minimum.”
The main attraction for stealing is the pizza. Every day, students swarm the pizza section, stack a few in a box, and head off with the ‘two for one deal.’
And despite Whole Foods’ many efforts to stop kids from stealing, such as banning certain students, banning students altogether, or putting pizzas in boxes before the lunch begins, students continue stealing.
Will Whole Foods ever be able to stop students from stealing? We may never know.
